I woke up in a weird mood. In that kinda mood that has no explanation, no evidence other than my own self-loathing. I sat in bed for a good hour (I know, woe is me) contemplating whether I wanted to be a productive member of society and start my to-do list, or chalk it up to a moody day and stay in and watch netflix. I often have these moments, where waking up alone with no obligation is seen as the devil instead of the appreciated gift that it surely is. I know all my married friends with kids are for sure cursing me in their head, which they should be. For some reason I am under the impression that my motivation should come from others, say a boyfriend, or maybe a kid, instead of myself. Yes, I know. I hear all of you rolling your eyes at me. And this is why I write. So I don’t have to see all of your eye rolls while I try and process my neurosis for your reading enjoyment. 😛
So my point isn’t that I stayed in bed all day, the point is I finally got up because Ollie was like, dude – I’m going to pee on you in bed if you don’t move it now! And I realized how gorgeous it was out – and maybe I should do something outside. Was going to take walk to Petsmart with Ollie until I realized it was 3 miles away and Ollie was panting after one block. I was like, I really should go for a bike ride, but I’m so lazy. Ok, I’ll give it one hour. One hour to go explore the neighborhood that I haven’t explored in the 8 months I’ve been here. Maybe it will get me out of my head.
So I put on bike shorts (have you ever worn these? they are crazy in the girl dept, but that’s for another post!) and get all sports-ed up (bandana under helmet…check. sweatband on wrist…check. plastic sports glasses that make me look like I know what I’m doing…check check.) And all it takes is a push off and a pedal to make me forget about my (so-called) troubles.
Because you see, taking a bike ride gets you back to your childhood…where you spent the day (the WHOLE FREAKING DAY!) exploring just because you could. The training wheels (of life) came off, and you were free to wander about aimlessly…by yourself. Remember when you couldn’t wait to get home from school so you could get on your bike and just go? We try so hard as adults to somehow, someway get back to the carefree life of childhood that what we really need to do is get on a bike, and for one hour (ONE HOUR!) be free of obligation. Free of neurosis. Just be free.
Because sure, the minute I started pedaling (and realizing, damn, I’m out of shape), I started down the slippery slope of “I need to work out more/why don’t I ever put my health first/why won’t anyone date me even though I haven’t put any effort whatsoever into it/am I going to end up alone/oh my god, I’m crazy yadda yadda yadda” that passes through my head while going 6mph down the quintessential neighborhood road of wraparound porches and three car garages. And then, somewhere between “I’m going to end up alone with 5 dogs” and “Shut up Stefi, you’re not even close to being old enough to worry about these stupid things” it dawns on you…you are actually having, dare I say, fun…by yourself. The sun beating down, the wind in your face, trying to avoid cars and take in the sights and sounds of a full-blown summer day…these are the times when you don’t rely on anyone but yourself to get you from point A to point B. Granted, I got lost and ended up at point C, but you get my point…I can only compare it to when you’re on a motorcycle and all you hear is the wind and the motor…when you’re underwater and all you hear is silence…when you’re on a boat in the middle of nowhere and all you hear is seagulls…these are the times when you truly feel alive. That there is something bigger than yourself out there. And if only you could trust the universe, everything will work itself out like it always does – no matter how many times your try to meddle in it.
So did taking a 2-hour bike ride cure my neruosis? Of course not. But it did get me out of my head, which honestly, was all I really needed. It just made me feel like, for once in my life, it wasn’t about what someone else was doing, or who was dating who, or who wanted what from whom, it was just about me and my bike. And how terribly I misjudged the distance between point A to point B.
On the road of life, sometimes we need a GPS and sometimes we just need to shut up and drive. 🙂
