I am not a happy person. Let’s rephrase that before people start worrying or judging… I am not an innately sunshine-y, Pollyanna, everything-will-work-itself-out-so-why-worry type of person. I am a “Let’s plan for the worst case scenario so when it inherently doesn’t happen even though I have run myself into the ground, at least I was prepared” pessimist. I don’t blame upbringing, or genetics or anything like that…it is just something that I have always been…someone once called me “a planner of doomsday, a sarcastic pessimist hiding in a closet of optimism”. Yeah.
I have to conscientiously work at being happy…at not falling down the rabbit hole…at not absorbing everyone else’s moods…it is not something I enjoy, but lately, I have found it is somewhat of a necessity to my overall well-being. And I wonder if I am not the only one…
Someone today commented on how happy I was today, how I had essentially returned to my ‘regularly scheduled’ mood, at how cheery I was. And I realized it was because the week before, I was gloom and doom, fell (or did i jump?) down the rabbit hole of despair and honestly didn’t know how to pull myself out. I was taking care of everyone else before I even thought about me, I was working too hard at being everyone else’s go-to, and I literally forgot to take a breath. And that ugly side of my inherited depression gene reared its addictive head.
Because let’s be honest. It’s so much easier to be depressed. It’s so much easier to peer down that dark bottomless pit of disgruntal-ness and blame everyone else for your problems. It’s so much easier to say you were pushed down the rabbit hole when, in reality, it was easier to jump in than fight back. It is so much easier to be mad and angry at the world, say how everyone and everything is against you, and how life is just not fair. It’s far easier to complain than it is to contemplate.
But then one starts to contemplate, and this is what I have found: no one is going to change for you. We can try to change people, try to say we know how to do it better, try to mold them into something that we see as ideal…but at the end if the day, you can only be in charge of yourself, because you are all you have. Surrounded by all the people and family in the world, you are still responsible for you…your happiness…your well-being. YOU. Sure, if you think about it too long, you start to become bitter that it seems that you are making all the effort and “the others” are doing jack shit… but you hold onto that resentment for too long, you become the very person you hate…the very person you resent.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying being happy is the hardest thing in the world. The simplest things can make you smile (I keep a list). It’s just that if you were not blessed with an optimistic attitude, you have to make a conscience effort every day, every hour, to remain happy. At least I do. But believe me, even with that effort, the rewards far outweigh anything that you’ll ever find at the bottom of that godforsaken rabbit hole.
Hopefully, with time, the urge to spiral into pessimistic overdrive will become few and far between…but for now, I continue to work on me…because, like Covergirl says, I’m worth it!…and at the end of the day, I can just be me.
