Life has been teaching me a lot lately. Perhaps it’s because I’m finally paying attention to my emotions again (I have an uncanny ability to deny certain feelings until I explode into over-analysis McGee), or perhaps this is the period of my life that I need these lessons to mature (?) and grow…but whatever the case, there have been quite a few lessons learned this past weekend.
I have always been one who demands attention, and when I don’t get it, I pout. (I’m your typical girl!) But recently, Music Man and I have been fighting for each other’s attention, and it just hasn’t been working out. I want attention when he can’t give it, and vice versa. Plus, he’s on a journey of epic proportion in his life, and I am fairly content with my station in life, so we’ve been battling. It finally came to a head Friday, when he decided that in order to start this epic journey of his, he needed some space from distractions, which included me. (Moi?! A distraction?! Blasphemy!) 🙂
I, of course, was none too pleased with this decision – I thought we were in a good place in our pseudo-relationship, so I felt dejected, rejected and all around sad…for about a day. And then something magical happened, which I can only read as a life lesson/happenstance. I actually took a breath and processed the situation, put myself in his John Varvatos shoes, and learned a lesson (or two) about myself.
The lesson was this – I am one lucky girl. I was born into a family that has always been there, no matter what. I have no idea what it’s like to be truly alone…despite my six years of being single, I have never truly been “on my own”. I have always had a supportive family in the background, whether I wanted them there or not. I have always had friends/boyfriends/etc. there to back me up, be a shoulder to cry on, or just hang out. These relationships have always been a “given” with me. And as dysfunctional as families/friends often are, as many times as I have wanted to run away from them, as many times as they have pissed me off, as many times as they have made me question certain things I was happily ignoring in my life…they have always been there. Always. No matter what. And I realized, I have been taking this for granted, as Music Man so poetically told me early Saturday morning…I have been lucky in my life, because not everyone has this kind of support…he did not have this kind of support in his life. He told me that his epic journey needed to be done on his own terms, without support of anyone, to prove to himself that he (and he alone) could do it. And that he was disciplined enough to know that certain things in his current life (aka me) could be a distraction from his goal, and as much as it sucked, he needed to prove to himself that he could do what he set out to do. And I know what you’re thinking…it sounds like a “it’s not you, it’s me” Dear John letter, but if you knew Music Man, you’d know…he’s not a very good liar, and all he was really asking for was space. So as much as it pained me (being an attention-seeking girl and all), I started to understand the lesson.
And it’s a lesson we can all take – that before you can allow anyone to support you…before you can lean on anyone else for support…you must first support yourself. I’ve never known this lesson, and I’m grateful for that, but at the same time, it makes me want to be a better person for myself, and no one else, which is pretty much the first time I’ve ever thought about that — to take care of myself before others. Because I’m a caregiver and always will be, but sometimes, it takes life lessons like these to remind me that, although I am not an island and never will be, I need to look inside myself and be happy with myself before I can expect anyone else to be happy with me.
I have no idea why I’ve become so nonchalant with Music Man and my current plight. Don’t get me wrong, I was pissed when I first thought about it — I was cursing the world a couple days ago, hurt and feeling very rejected, as only dramatic me knows how. But I will always be grateful for him, because he taught me that valuable lesson about family and support, a lesson I didn’t know I needed (but very much did).
I don’t know what the future holds for Music Man and me, and I’m not saying we’re not going to end up together (although were we ever together?!). I can only hope that he’ll see me as an asset to his life, not a distraction. But I can’t force him to be anything but himself (despite my best efforts!), and that seems to be yet another lesson in all this. That no matter how supportive you are, some people just aren’t ready for it. Some people need to figure it out for themselves before they can allow anyone else in.
I will never know what it feels like to not have someone in my corner – it has always been a “given” in my life, whether I want it or not. And whatever happens between Music Man and me…whether he sudden realizes that I am totally awesome and someone he cannot live without, or whether he was just a chapter in this book called life, I will always be grateful to him for this lesson he taught me – that I am one lucky girl.
