Why does one bad annoying thing = a whole day worth of insecurity and self-doubt?
First thing first: it was beautiful today. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, I had on my awesome taupe colored knee high boots that scream spring…all was good with the world. This morning.
And while I’m perusing all my daily blogs, catching up on all the happenings, and sharing all this info with the world (via facebook), I inadvertently started to annoy some people. Yes, I realize that I was posting A LOT of stuff. Yes, I realize I shouldn’t have been doing it when I was. And yes, I realize that, if I am popular on your news feed, you might have been annoyed. I like blogs. I like reading. I like to pretend that people are genuinely interested in what I post. But as I am getting people telling me ‘could you please stop posting so much stuff’ (and mind you, this is plural people, not just one), I actually begin to think, “oh my gosh, am I offending people with all my postings of my interests?”
And thus begins the self-deprecating vortex of insecurity.
You see, when I offend someone without trying, when people tell me that I’m doing something wrong, when things don’t go my way…this little annoying gnat called INSECURITY comes along and makes its home in my brain. I have no idea where this comes from, but I actually start to feel horrible that I inadvertently offended someone, I figure I must have been the one who did something wrong, I figure there’s no way things can go my way, so I better give up now. I put people’s thoughts before my own, and I try to make everyone get along with me because I really just want everyone to like me….Yes, I know. It’s annoying. And the therapist in me is calling it self-deprecating insecurity. And yes, even I, as marvelous as I think I am, have it. And once I get insecure, geez, watch out…I am a red herring, snowball effect bundle of self-analytical nonsense.
I realize I should just let it be, que sera sera, and everything happens for a reason. But when that gnat starts buzzing in my ear…
And I realize that, yes, I should grow the f up and that I need to stop being a people pleaser and start being a me pleaser (take that however you will), because I am quite possibly the worst liar you will ever meet (which didn’t help my acting career) and whatever I feel, I project.
But most of all, I realize that I am probably completely normal in this insecurity, and hopefully not completely alone. Maybe in the self-deprecating analytical gnat symbolism, but not in the whole people pleasing/control freak/snowball effect analogy.
Long story short: I vow to squash the gnat.
