I think this word might be my single greatest enemy: pseudo. I am currently in a pseudo-relationship with a boy 3,000 miles away, and although I pretend that it doesn’t really mean that much to me, that he is essentially my Indiana FWB, I miss him terribly. So terribly did I miss this boy that I broke down yesterday and cried for no apparent reason. Well, knowing me, there was a reason behind it, but it isn’t a good one. I cried because I miss having 3 hour conversations about nothing. I miss having someone on the other line so excited to talk to me that they almost can’t breathe. I miss that feeling that if they don’t get to talk to me, they might just die…but alas, I think these things are of first loves and not sheltered loves of the present. You know that feeling when you get a phone call from that special someone just because they were thinking about you? I don’t really get those anymore. And why should I? I don’t have a title, just a one-way ticket in Pseudo-ville. So, I shouldn’t care that I hardly get calls anymore, or that meaningful, heartfelt emails are brushed aside…sometimes the male ego gets annoying…please man! just show an emotion! I wont tell anyone! 🙂
So now that I have done it, crossed the barrier within myself called denial and actually acknowledge that I might miss another human being as much as I do, I feel like I have hit a wall. I feel like I have gotten pie thrown in my humiliated face. I just plain feel rejected…I should be used to rejection, I live in the town of rejection. It just feels like nothing has changed, but I have. Damn, I am a hormonally-imbalanced girl, of course I have changed! But for once, I don’t know if I should care. I don’t want to care anymore, because if I do, that means I am dependant and I am working on being independent. But how can I throw myself into a pseudo-relationship that may not have a future beyond Pseudo-ville? Am I supposed to act like the FWB that I am, and not care about the emotional, title shit that comes with the famed title, “Relationship”, or do I hope that all this pseudo-shit is worth something more? And for that matter, if I am just a “pseudo-girlfriend”, does that mean I have every right to make out with that guy at the party I thought was cute? Do I do that just to be spiteful, or to get rid of my pseudo-girlfriend title? Or do I pretend that I am indeed dating someone (even though I am not), and continue wandering in Pseudo-ville until the time comes to choose between “Just Friends Lane” or “Relationship Highway”?
I guess the main point is that I want to be that “someone” in someones life again…I want to be so important in someone’s life again…I want to be missed so much that every day is filled with wanting to know what I am doing…I want stupid flowers sent to my door for no reason…I want to feel wanted, needed…and I know with my current Pseudo-ville passport stamp, it’s not going to happen. I feel myself headed toward “Just Friends Lane”, and I don’t want to end up there. I have been there too many times…lots of traffic…:)
So I guess only time will tell how long I stay in Pseudo-ville…hopefully not for long…
